Welcome to WIMS

Mood: Relaxed
Last Spoke With: Someone special who shouldn't be
Last Harmed: A couple of days ago

So we have a new blog now! Everything has been updated and I love the new layout. A little cheap looking but I don't know, I just really like it. Oh well. Perhaps I will update it another time but I don't really want to, it looks good so just shush.
Anyway, not much has been going on, expect... That someone special I shouldn't be talking, may very well be my master if I can work up the guts to tell my current one... So I will just keep that quiet for now. Hm... I should actually write a bit really. I'll hide the post if I ask him to come look later! Hmhm. Then hope he isn't sweet enough to come back from time to time... Anyway, click to read the story, kay?

Alright, so, let's start at the beginning. I don't think I have told anyone the whole story. I received a message from my current master on the 11th of September, it was a decent length message and he has a decent love for words as well. He is older, older than my own father and that always throws me off. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Anyway, on the 20th of September, I received the shorted possible message from my sweet little one. He just gave me an email and said I could email him, I almost didn't reply, that was the first narrowly avoided mistake. I did though and we talked, found out a little about each other. At the same time I was messaging a man with a similar username who I kept getting confused with my little one. This man was actually married with kids shockingly enough and had not told his wife, that put me on edge around him. Anyway, my little one, at one point, sent me a message about smoking. I don't like smoking, not at all. I made a decision then to break it off with him. It was only because of the confusion between the two guys, I ended up messaging my little one back without realising which one I  did. That was mistake number two narrowly avoided! We kept talking, I didn't even realise I was still talking with the same one haha. And then we began a trial, the messages with the other guy died down a lot. I begun to IM with my current master. I IMed with him for two weeks while I swapped far between messages with my little one. Only during the second week IMing with my current master did I finally start emailing my little one. We 'trialled' a D/s relationship which quickly into a human M/p (Master/pet where the pet does not act like an animal but a human). We did that for a week and he fell in love (figuratively! Unfortunately... hmhm). He wanted me, my current master wanted me, so did a few other Dominants but I didn't like them. I will say, in the end, I made my choice between the two because my current master simply expected it by that point and I couldn't bare to disappoint him, I made my choice by who would be easiest to tell no. Anyway, at first, my little one didn't seem to know how to be strong or order me into anything at all. He was shocked by everything I wrote and was pleased simply by the click of my fingers. That bugged me a little. But he really cared. For him, I had to be happy, it wouldn't do if I wasn't. At this point, he hadn't earned his nick name 'little one' haha. I didn't think he was very good at dominating at first, but as time went on, I figured he was. As I said, I only chose my current master because he expected it and I couldn't bare to disappoint. My little one was easier to tell no, particularly because he was the first to ask me to be his. He flooded me with affection I didn't think I earned, he simply gave out. I made excuses like he must be weak. Hm. I practically begged to stay friends with him, I really liked him by that point. He was angry at first, well just disappointed actually but he got angry easy. It hurt me like hell. I hated it but I didn't let it on because I knew he cared. Eventually though, my feelings grew stronger. We would talk from about 8am my time to 2pm and then again from 11pm to 2am. I don't know what we talked about, but we did. And we only grew closer. Over and over. I was of course talking with my current master too and he wasn't exactly impressed about me talking to my little one. And he didn't even know the affection I felt for the guy! He let me though. Under some rules. Even under those rules, I grew closer to my little one. Through teasing, he earned the nickname 'little one' and it just stuck. Though, in no way is he little. Big personality, big sense of humour, very tall (I'm tall, he is even taller!) and not a sticky thing. At first, admittedly, I didn't think he looked very good, now, sexiest thing alive haha. Though he still takes dreadful photos of himself! He looks much better when we video chat. Which brings me further into the story. My master and I had been using the phone, I was terrible at talking, the most I said was yes and no. My little one called me one night, comfortable as though I was talking to my best friend. Teased him, laughed, whined haha. Everything. It was easy and the most enjoyable chat ever. And still all I said to my master was yes and no. I simply can't get out any more. I'm not sure if it is something to do with my BPD but it just gets stuck in my throat and I physically can't say anything. I can't help the whimpers when he has me touch myself but that is just me. I orgasm quietly with the tiniest whimpers and whines. I think it is cute personally haha, only time you will ever hear me call myself cute but often I just sound like a puppy. Haha. So anyway, my master started talking with me a little less. It's kind of like an on/off switch... Perhaps it is that I don't like? It feels like play not relationship. I almost always talk all day with my little one, we don't tend to schedule things, we just are friends. With my master, we literally have a time to get online and chat. Time, day. At times we will get one extra here and there but that is all. I love how strong he is, but I hate it being a switch. So. I'm now video chatting with my little one, highlight of any day we do, I swear! I usually hate video chatting with anyone... Haha. I didn't realise that, but I do. I used to hate it with my best friend. I'd dread it. But no, with my little one, I love video chatting. I love every time we can. Every time he says we will finish off if I have no more question, I automatically think harder for some haha. I just like being in his company. I like being able to talk with him. I like being able to see him. I wish like anything that I could touch him, smell him, hmhm, taste him.... Hmhm, mhm, that sounds good. Anyway! I need to stay on track! Amongst all this and feeling a bit unwanted by my own master as well as still nervous around him (???), everything which will bring my little one and I together, goes right, everything with my master, doesn't. The day of my collaring, there was a huge storm that broke a bunch of buckets, the horses went nuts and almost hurt themselves. Also, I drew a butterfly on my wrist (my symbol for love and compassion) and wrote my little one's name beneath it. That butterfly was there for days. I took a picture on my phone and it is now my phone's background. All these mistakes narrowly avoided, total comfort, constantly growing together, physically perfect, common dis/likes, humour, similar plans, matching wants/needs, balance each other out well... The list goes on. What am I to do? I suppose after all that it seems obvious to choose my little one. I think he could take me dark places, I think he could be creative. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy. But I do care about my master. I don't know how well my little one understands that. He is likely to end it with his current submissive whether I agree or not. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't end it with my master, I'm sure he could make it exciting again. The only thing I'm a bit worried about, is the flare for me dying out of my little one when he has me. But then, I look back at our trial and I can't see how it would.
So, any ideas? I'm so lost. I want what my current master is offering and I care for him but he doesn't know how old I really am. My little one does. And I don't think my master would be impressed, he is like, triple my age. Older than my father... My little one, just four years older. I'm telling you, the guy just keeps getting better! He isn't like an obsession though... I love talking to him but I don't feel any rush. I don't feel like I have to make the most of our time. I feel like we have all the time in the world. I don't know. Like at times, I sit and wait and wait for his emails hmhm, and I just adore video chatting and calling, but it doesn't feel like I'm dying waiting haha. It makes me feel much better. Though he always gets grumpy over my insecurity... My cutting doesn't seem to both him as much now but he still gets grumpy over my insecurity and even my anxiety. Those are the only things I'm unsure with. I would kind of like him to know about my BPD, maybe then he would understand a little more then... I suppose if he cares much, he will find out from this site if I direct him to it. But then, he is still a guy, he might not even look. Leave it up to fate? Just leave this post here too? Just leave it all haha. Stuff taking down anything, I'll test that bravery of his!  Fortunately this is a long post and he likely won't read down here! Haha. I promise not all the posts will be so long. It is just exciting having a blog in here now! Haha.

Remember, I love you.
RedTears