Mood: Depressed
Last Spoke To: My little one
Last Harmed: Yesterday
What a dreadful weekend! If not for my little one, I'd have a second suicide attempt to add to my list. As is, I reopened the cuts on my hand and ankle and then decorated my hip with billions of long, shallow cuts. They won't scar, they were done with scissors. Only because I was considering stabbing my leg and knew I couldn't do that up at the house! You will be proud to know that I didn't though! Just billions of cuts. No stabbing, I stopped myself! I actually stopped myself! I tried but I was battling with myself and only stabbed lightly, I think I drew blood once or twice but only a pinprick. Apparently you don't cut in the dark where you can't see what you have done, cause you just keep going......click read more.......
Last Spoke To: My little one
Last Harmed: Yesterday
What a dreadful weekend! If not for my little one, I'd have a second suicide attempt to add to my list. As is, I reopened the cuts on my hand and ankle and then decorated my hip with billions of long, shallow cuts. They won't scar, they were done with scissors. Only because I was considering stabbing my leg and knew I couldn't do that up at the house! You will be proud to know that I didn't though! Just billions of cuts. No stabbing, I stopped myself! I actually stopped myself! I tried but I was battling with myself and only stabbed lightly, I think I drew blood once or twice but only a pinprick. Apparently you don't cut in the dark where you can't see what you have done, cause you just keep going......click read more.......
I'm extremely depressed at the moment though. I can hardly enjoy anything. Yeah, I still enjoy talking to my little one and sitting petting my little girl (mini horse) but that is about all. I'm really going downhill. I have an assignment due tomorrow, never even handed in a draft. I just don't have the motivation. It's not there. Everything just seems a useless effort. I have to brush the horses, pick up poop, clip my big horse's hooves, chores, assignments, study, clean and I really can't get myself to do anything. I'm just tired. I want to fall asleep and not wake up. Not trying to be soppy or romantic or anything but to be honest, my current doubts on doing so are coming from how that would make my little one feel. He likes me and cares for me, how would he feel if I went and killed myself? Would he feel like he had failed something? I remember when I told him I was choosing my current master, that upset him. I talk to him more than any other person, how would he feel if I killed myself? Hm. I'm not going to. I never want to purposely hurt him again. Besides, I know this will all pass... Eventually. I don't know when... Can't see any light... But I suppose it will. It always does. I just look forward to the day it all just goes away and I can live peacefully again. I know BPD will always be hanging there in the back of my mind, threatening to return, but just because I'm susceptible, doesn't mean I'll get it.
So. I'm putting up an alternatives page. My counsellor gave me a couple alternatives to cutting yesterday (yes, I know it wasn't Thursday but we got cut off on Thursday and I didn't see her the Thursday before so I had to go back, I couldn't handle myself much long). So I will put them up, and honestly, not all alternatives do something for everyone. For instance, I drew 19 butterflies and got no effects accept feeling a bit safer. I'm looking to try ice next time. But, we shall see!
So for now, my current master is not really there for me enough and so I go to my little one, the two people who I have for some reason, opened up the most to. So I am much closer bonded with my little one of course but I still care for my master, I don't really want to lose him but to be honest, my little one could write a book on me whereas my master could write a paragraph. My little one and I can talk for hours (literally), my master does most of the talking when we talk and I say yes and no. See my issues? It bothers me but he just doesn't seem to understand. He thinks I'm pretty and sexy and he loves my photos, adores my writing and loves my playfulness and open-mindedness, loves that I'm willing to go anywhere, try anything, be rough, be sweet. He loves it all and I don't think he wants to lose a sub like that. But then neither does anyone else! It's impossible! I always have to be the one to hurt the Dominant I'm with, they never want to let go! I've had one leave of his own accord, because he thought distrust should be earned, trust should just be given... Yeah, maybe the case for fully grown, dominant guys, but young, sweet, little submissive girls... Hm... Yeah... haha. Otherwise, I've always had to tell the Dominant no. I don't know if it would be better if the Dominants would tell me no or not. Yeah, I wouldn't have to hurt them but then I'd feel damn unwanted! Hm, suppose in someways I should be grateful. Anyway, I'm off, need to do a few chores before someone really yells at me and I think my little one is about to leave me for bed D: haha. Hate when he goes. At the moment I believe he is playing a game because his answers are short and far between, I should call him and distract him again... Hmhmhm, tata, pray for him haha.
Remember, I love you.
RedTears
So. I'm putting up an alternatives page. My counsellor gave me a couple alternatives to cutting yesterday (yes, I know it wasn't Thursday but we got cut off on Thursday and I didn't see her the Thursday before so I had to go back, I couldn't handle myself much long). So I will put them up, and honestly, not all alternatives do something for everyone. For instance, I drew 19 butterflies and got no effects accept feeling a bit safer. I'm looking to try ice next time. But, we shall see!
So for now, my current master is not really there for me enough and so I go to my little one, the two people who I have for some reason, opened up the most to. So I am much closer bonded with my little one of course but I still care for my master, I don't really want to lose him but to be honest, my little one could write a book on me whereas my master could write a paragraph. My little one and I can talk for hours (literally), my master does most of the talking when we talk and I say yes and no. See my issues? It bothers me but he just doesn't seem to understand. He thinks I'm pretty and sexy and he loves my photos, adores my writing and loves my playfulness and open-mindedness, loves that I'm willing to go anywhere, try anything, be rough, be sweet. He loves it all and I don't think he wants to lose a sub like that. But then neither does anyone else! It's impossible! I always have to be the one to hurt the Dominant I'm with, they never want to let go! I've had one leave of his own accord, because he thought distrust should be earned, trust should just be given... Yeah, maybe the case for fully grown, dominant guys, but young, sweet, little submissive girls... Hm... Yeah... haha. Otherwise, I've always had to tell the Dominant no. I don't know if it would be better if the Dominants would tell me no or not. Yeah, I wouldn't have to hurt them but then I'd feel damn unwanted! Hm, suppose in someways I should be grateful. Anyway, I'm off, need to do a few chores before someone really yells at me and I think my little one is about to leave me for bed D: haha. Hate when he goes. At the moment I believe he is playing a game because his answers are short and far between, I should call him and distract him again... Hmhmhm, tata, pray for him haha.
Remember, I love you.
RedTears
