Mood: Loved
Last Spoke To: My little one
Last Harmed: 3 days ago (3-11)
Still no progress on leaving my current master but my little one is making me happier than ever. He is starting work again soon (finally got hired!) and I swear, if he settles and doesn't save to go to college for psychology I'm going to fly over there and give him a big mouthful about how he better start or I'm going to manage his money and save for him! Haha. He is so good at it and even he admits he loves it. I think he is basically stupid if he doesn't get into psychology when he has the money for college. And I know for a fact my little one is not stupid. I might tease him about it but I couldn't be more wrong! I tease him about a lot but so often it is about stuff that is not in one way true.....click read more......
Last Spoke To: My little one
Last Harmed: 3 days ago (3-11)
Still no progress on leaving my current master but my little one is making me happier than ever. He is starting work again soon (finally got hired!) and I swear, if he settles and doesn't save to go to college for psychology I'm going to fly over there and give him a big mouthful about how he better start or I'm going to manage his money and save for him! Haha. He is so good at it and even he admits he loves it. I think he is basically stupid if he doesn't get into psychology when he has the money for college. And I know for a fact my little one is not stupid. I might tease him about it but I couldn't be more wrong! I tease him about a lot but so often it is about stuff that is not in one way true.....click read more......
So anyway, not too much depression. I've been rather withdrawn, not very bold or happy. I sit alone a lot at home and I'm still so tired. But, honestly and not some romantic crap, my little one brightens the entire world. He fell asleep last night (his night) and when he woke half way through the night, he messaged me back saying sorry and explaining before saying goodnight. A few hours later, when he woke in the morning (though I was asleep and only saw it when I woke the next morning), he messaged me with 'I'm up beautiful'. It is the fact I know he means it that makes it oh so sweet. So yeah, he really does make me happier and as soon as I can get across to him that I absolutely ADORE him for who he is. He is a bit... strange hmhm, but it is his differences that I love. Yes, most won't care for it and he probably hates it that I find his seriousness so adorable, but it is true. If I didn't love him for who he is, why would I be talking to him still? Silly, silly, silly. He wouldn't be him without those little differences. And if he weren't him, I wouldn't love him! Haha. Duffer he is. I'm just so happy he is him haha. And he himself loves me haha.
Anyway! Wow, I talk about him a lot! I'm a little unsure about my current master lately. He has spoken about cutting me himself when I visit, which is fair enough, he wants me to remember him via a little, unobtrusive scar. But, recently, he has been talking about me cutting myself for him. We also spoke of shopping online for 'toys' for me to use in photos, recently he has begun saying we may buy me this knife with a guard thing which I am supposed to fuck myself with for videos and photos when requested. These, I am not comfortable with. I have severe dissociation involved with my self harm, more often than not, I sit and watch, have very little control. I feel very far away and harming is usually first to try and make sure I am still there and second to exchange emotional pain for physical pain and finally it is occasionally used to punish myself. If I start cutting myself, purposely or not, I don't know when I will be able to stop. It may be after a single mark, it may be, like the last time I cut, several, possibly hundreds. I don't know how deep either. Cutting myself is always a risk, I've done it purposefully once. They were small cuts, but deep. Two on my hand (which scarred badly and I recently reopened), two on my ankle (which weren't so bad but I reopened them the same time I reopened the ones on my hand) and also ten on my stomach. The ones on my stomach are on varying depths, they were last and I was fully aware, they were slow, painful, punishing cuts but they went from barely there to splitting the fat layer. Anyway, that was the only time I consciously chose. I mean, the first time, I lost it, my arm was full of cuts and I lay in my room screaming for hours. So yeah, I don't think marking myself is a good idea. In fact, I think it is a terrible idea. Not to mention that my little one would kill me for it, especially if I couldn't stop. He already gets annoyed at the fact I mark myself out of pain. Hm. I guess this is the deciding factor no? If I do it, my little one will likely threaten to forget about me over it, I know he hates the cutting. He has outright said that if he sees a knife (because I like knife play) during our video chats, he is going to turn off the xbox (what we talk on) and I will have to convince him over email to ever video with me again. See my point? He hates it. My current master on the other hand, wants to buy me a knife with a guard to mark, fuck and spank myself with... Do we see the more responsible person here? Haha. My little one also knows pretty much knows everything about me, well, compared to my master anyway. See, all this, makes me think my little one would be the better owner for me. Only thing is, he wants M/s, or Master/slave. I'm trying to be sure he knows what that means. It is strange for me, I'm a submissive, have been since I started in D/s, but he wants me to be a slave. I'm going to need some serious help from him with doing that. I'm just trying to make sure he knows that. That is part of my hesitance. The other part is not wanting to hurt my current master. Oh, well, really my hesitance is in thirds. One third wanting to know he understands the dynamic. One third not wanting to hurt my current master. One third being I really don't think I could handle it just staying online. Assuming we continue getting along. He assures me he is the same, but I don't want to force him into anything! You see, I would have more doubts except for the fact that we have been talking for... Four? Five? Maybe Six? Weeks. Everyday. Literally. We very rarely didn't talk. That made sense when we were trialling D/s, or actually, we did human M/p or Master/pet. But that was for one week. Ever since, we have been just friends. And we have been talking. Non stop haha. Phone, video, email, the lot. So yeah, it seems the choice is made for me but I'll make the choice anyway because he is what I want.
So, big D/s post, it's just been on my mind a lot lately. It's hard not to have it on my mind when I have the sweetest, most interesting guy I've ever met talking with me nearly all day long. Hmhm, so, I'm off for now.
Remember, I love you.
RedTears
Anyway! Wow, I talk about him a lot! I'm a little unsure about my current master lately. He has spoken about cutting me himself when I visit, which is fair enough, he wants me to remember him via a little, unobtrusive scar. But, recently, he has been talking about me cutting myself for him. We also spoke of shopping online for 'toys' for me to use in photos, recently he has begun saying we may buy me this knife with a guard thing which I am supposed to fuck myself with for videos and photos when requested. These, I am not comfortable with. I have severe dissociation involved with my self harm, more often than not, I sit and watch, have very little control. I feel very far away and harming is usually first to try and make sure I am still there and second to exchange emotional pain for physical pain and finally it is occasionally used to punish myself. If I start cutting myself, purposely or not, I don't know when I will be able to stop. It may be after a single mark, it may be, like the last time I cut, several, possibly hundreds. I don't know how deep either. Cutting myself is always a risk, I've done it purposefully once. They were small cuts, but deep. Two on my hand (which scarred badly and I recently reopened), two on my ankle (which weren't so bad but I reopened them the same time I reopened the ones on my hand) and also ten on my stomach. The ones on my stomach are on varying depths, they were last and I was fully aware, they were slow, painful, punishing cuts but they went from barely there to splitting the fat layer. Anyway, that was the only time I consciously chose. I mean, the first time, I lost it, my arm was full of cuts and I lay in my room screaming for hours. So yeah, I don't think marking myself is a good idea. In fact, I think it is a terrible idea. Not to mention that my little one would kill me for it, especially if I couldn't stop. He already gets annoyed at the fact I mark myself out of pain. Hm. I guess this is the deciding factor no? If I do it, my little one will likely threaten to forget about me over it, I know he hates the cutting. He has outright said that if he sees a knife (because I like knife play) during our video chats, he is going to turn off the xbox (what we talk on) and I will have to convince him over email to ever video with me again. See my point? He hates it. My current master on the other hand, wants to buy me a knife with a guard to mark, fuck and spank myself with... Do we see the more responsible person here? Haha. My little one also knows pretty much knows everything about me, well, compared to my master anyway. See, all this, makes me think my little one would be the better owner for me. Only thing is, he wants M/s, or Master/slave. I'm trying to be sure he knows what that means. It is strange for me, I'm a submissive, have been since I started in D/s, but he wants me to be a slave. I'm going to need some serious help from him with doing that. I'm just trying to make sure he knows that. That is part of my hesitance. The other part is not wanting to hurt my current master. Oh, well, really my hesitance is in thirds. One third wanting to know he understands the dynamic. One third not wanting to hurt my current master. One third being I really don't think I could handle it just staying online. Assuming we continue getting along. He assures me he is the same, but I don't want to force him into anything! You see, I would have more doubts except for the fact that we have been talking for... Four? Five? Maybe Six? Weeks. Everyday. Literally. We very rarely didn't talk. That made sense when we were trialling D/s, or actually, we did human M/p or Master/pet. But that was for one week. Ever since, we have been just friends. And we have been talking. Non stop haha. Phone, video, email, the lot. So yeah, it seems the choice is made for me but I'll make the choice anyway because he is what I want.
So, big D/s post, it's just been on my mind a lot lately. It's hard not to have it on my mind when I have the sweetest, most interesting guy I've ever met talking with me nearly all day long. Hmhm, so, I'm off for now.
Remember, I love you.
RedTears
