Mood: Utterly and totally lost and depressed
Last Spoke To: My little one
Last Harmed: Bloody well about to
I was wrong, I am wrong, my gosh! What an idiot! Why did I never remember the trial with my little one when my... master, was away? I did it today, I was released from he who I'm going to keep referring to as my master. For label or not, he is my master in my heart.....click read more....
Last Spoke To: My little one
Last Harmed: Bloody well about to
I was wrong, I am wrong, my gosh! What an idiot! Why did I never remember the trial with my little one when my... master, was away? I did it today, I was released from he who I'm going to keep referring to as my master. For label or not, he is my master in my heart.....click read more....
You see, my master is much older than me, as in, older than my own father. But he is strong and patient, very patient. And it seems he was who I was gaining my strength from. It was him who made me strong, who gave my submission spunk. And it is my strength that my little one gains his dominance from. Without my master, I have no strength. Without my strength, my little one has no dominance. Without his dominance, I am left worse off than before. I love who I am with my master, I love who I am with my little one. My master though, is my master, my owner, my gentle abuser. My little one, my lover. This dynamic between us is not nearly as pleasing. I loved the way it was. Cute, sweet, sincere, laughing, threatening, loving. Where I could talk back and he need not worry about demanding. This here, this isn't right. This isn't the way it is supposed to be. I want to start the day again, this time, I will tell my little one that I love the way we are. I love the more like 'dating' dynamic with a kink rather than the D/s dynamic. My master, he is my master, not my little one. Oh why didn't I see this? Why didn't I see where my joy and happiness was coming from? The dynamic my little one and I had, my master being my master. Why the hell did I do this!?
I want my master back. I want his voice in my ear. I want him sitting on the other side of the chat and coming on my photos. I want my master back! I want him, I need him, I hate this. This dynamic with my little one isn't right. Shit. All my little one says is that we will work on it. Of course I'm listening to him, I love him! I do... I just... I don't know what to do, I want to go cry, cut it away. Be nice right about now. Stuff this whole ice thing my counsellor has going, I deserve to be cut right now. Hurting everyone. Hurting the two I love most in this world. I'll take a pretty razor and reopen every cut on my hip. I lost count of those at 72 so there is plenty there. Plenty to teach a stupid girl how to treat people. Plenty to teach a stupid slut to respect her master. Blood red pain dripping out... Hum, that is exactly what I want now, exactly what I need. Tonight perhaps, before I sleep. At least one, as deep as freaking possible, over rivers running blue, let them forever run red. I don't even care enough to carve words now, I just want rid of the pain. I rather physical pain, it hurts less. Can't emotional pain just be physical instead? I'll beg to that freaky, pain in the ass dom if only emotional pain can be physical instead. Oh pretty please? Or maybe just a rewind button? I want to rewind to this morning, I want to tell my master straight out that I want his collar and no one else's and I want to tell my little one that I love him, but I love him as a lover with a kinky touch, or maybe a r/t dominant not as an online dominant. I want my master's collar back. One wish. His collar back.
I will continue to refer to him as my master in these posts for now. For ages now, even up to today, I thought you could only be in love with one person, that there was only one place in the heart to be loved like that. But somehow I have spilt the place of master and lover. Labels or not, he still has the place as master. As much as my little one has tried again today, he is my little one, not my master. I could hand my freedom over to my master and trust him to take care of me, I could hand my freedom over to my little one and trust to be given half back. He came into my life for a reason, but I am not sure why yet, because though I love him, he is not my master, he is simply not. My true master came into my life to claim his place as my master and owner. But it wasn't until today I realised my mind or heart had split the single place into two. And unfortunately it was too late. I had already doubted the relationship with my master and he said he would make it easy for me and send me to my little one. Now I hate myself. That was my master and I let him go. I've never been anyone's first choice in my life, lately, I have been many's first choice and now I am two men's very, very first choice. I'm a sucker for anyone who cares for me, why would I not love them both? They are both incredible, strong men who have firm places in my heart. They exist and so I care for them. They are kind and so I respect them. They are beautiful inside and therefore out so I admire them. They are my men. Or they were both my men. Now only my little one is, will I ever have my master again? Goodness I hope so! And soon. I miss him with all my heart. He is a constant presence in my mind. This morning, just before he released me, I saw the affection I had been craving, he let me sneak in before cutting my off.
I'm going for now. If I write much more, I'm going to cry again. Sorry for such a depressing post, I am only human, I make mistakes. I'm BPD, I stress to hell over them. I'm a self harming depressed girl, I beat myself up over it. I'm a submissive, I only want to please.
Remember, I love you, no matter what.
Contact me any time at [email protected]
RedTears
I want my master back. I want his voice in my ear. I want him sitting on the other side of the chat and coming on my photos. I want my master back! I want him, I need him, I hate this. This dynamic with my little one isn't right. Shit. All my little one says is that we will work on it. Of course I'm listening to him, I love him! I do... I just... I don't know what to do, I want to go cry, cut it away. Be nice right about now. Stuff this whole ice thing my counsellor has going, I deserve to be cut right now. Hurting everyone. Hurting the two I love most in this world. I'll take a pretty razor and reopen every cut on my hip. I lost count of those at 72 so there is plenty there. Plenty to teach a stupid girl how to treat people. Plenty to teach a stupid slut to respect her master. Blood red pain dripping out... Hum, that is exactly what I want now, exactly what I need. Tonight perhaps, before I sleep. At least one, as deep as freaking possible, over rivers running blue, let them forever run red. I don't even care enough to carve words now, I just want rid of the pain. I rather physical pain, it hurts less. Can't emotional pain just be physical instead? I'll beg to that freaky, pain in the ass dom if only emotional pain can be physical instead. Oh pretty please? Or maybe just a rewind button? I want to rewind to this morning, I want to tell my master straight out that I want his collar and no one else's and I want to tell my little one that I love him, but I love him as a lover with a kinky touch, or maybe a r/t dominant not as an online dominant. I want my master's collar back. One wish. His collar back.
I will continue to refer to him as my master in these posts for now. For ages now, even up to today, I thought you could only be in love with one person, that there was only one place in the heart to be loved like that. But somehow I have spilt the place of master and lover. Labels or not, he still has the place as master. As much as my little one has tried again today, he is my little one, not my master. I could hand my freedom over to my master and trust him to take care of me, I could hand my freedom over to my little one and trust to be given half back. He came into my life for a reason, but I am not sure why yet, because though I love him, he is not my master, he is simply not. My true master came into my life to claim his place as my master and owner. But it wasn't until today I realised my mind or heart had split the single place into two. And unfortunately it was too late. I had already doubted the relationship with my master and he said he would make it easy for me and send me to my little one. Now I hate myself. That was my master and I let him go. I've never been anyone's first choice in my life, lately, I have been many's first choice and now I am two men's very, very first choice. I'm a sucker for anyone who cares for me, why would I not love them both? They are both incredible, strong men who have firm places in my heart. They exist and so I care for them. They are kind and so I respect them. They are beautiful inside and therefore out so I admire them. They are my men. Or they were both my men. Now only my little one is, will I ever have my master again? Goodness I hope so! And soon. I miss him with all my heart. He is a constant presence in my mind. This morning, just before he released me, I saw the affection I had been craving, he let me sneak in before cutting my off.
I'm going for now. If I write much more, I'm going to cry again. Sorry for such a depressing post, I am only human, I make mistakes. I'm BPD, I stress to hell over them. I'm a self harming depressed girl, I beat myself up over it. I'm a submissive, I only want to please.
Remember, I love you, no matter what.
Contact me any time at [email protected]
RedTears
