Mood: Lost
Last Spoke To: Daddy
Last Harmed: 17 days ago (20-11)
I wish my little one were here. I don't know what has happened, we were chatting a while last night but then suddenly he didn't reply. I'm not sure what happened. I just really would like him here at the moment. Just to sit in bed for the day. He can play as much as he likes, I'll wear whatever he wants, including nothing. I just want him to hold me. I miss him. He can wrap a belt around my neck and pull me into him, I don't really care. He has been out a lot and his kindle has been mucking up. Hmm. So we have been talking so little...click read more....
Last Spoke To: Daddy
Last Harmed: 17 days ago (20-11)
I wish my little one were here. I don't know what has happened, we were chatting a while last night but then suddenly he didn't reply. I'm not sure what happened. I just really would like him here at the moment. Just to sit in bed for the day. He can play as much as he likes, I'll wear whatever he wants, including nothing. I just want him to hold me. I miss him. He can wrap a belt around my neck and pull me into him, I don't really care. He has been out a lot and his kindle has been mucking up. Hmm. So we have been talking so little...click read more....
Apparently the dynamic is very different to Daddy and I. It is emotionally taxing me not to have my little one around. We played a little last night, he was a bit darker than usual, mm, it was very nice. But to be honest, all I wanted to do afterwards was curl up in his arms and never get out. He is becoming much better at being my master now. Or actually, I don't know if it is that or if I just so desperately want to please him because I care so much about him. Not sure, but I so very much want to please him. I mean, at the moment, I have this urge to start extreme exercise and dieting to make my body better for him haha. Don't worry, I am sensible, I do have some logic, just as my little one has some emotion haha. I'll exercise maybe, but it will be for me. I'm not silly.
So yeah. All I want is to be with him. Even if I can only sit beside him, or across the room from him, I really don't care. Honestly, I'd even settle for the phone at the moment. Or a picture hmhm. Or nice video message even. I should convince him to send me a video one time! That's a really good idea! Haha. But it doesn't help me now! I want my little one. I want him to pull me over his knee, spank my ass until I beg him to stop and finally have him hold me against him while I cry. He doesn't need a shirt on hmhm, I'd happily be held against his perfect chest, burying my face into his skin as he wraps me up tighter and tighter. You know? Stuff the presents for Christmas this year, wrap me up and give me to him hmhm. Hmph. That's all I want. Something so simple that I can't have. He would give me a cuddle in a second, any time, and I want that, yet still I can't have it. How sucky. He loves video games, plays them a lot (too much haha, shh), the other day he had a knew game and I didn't hear from him. The next morning, he apologised, even though I told him several times that it was fine. And he said that if I were to walk into the room while he was playing a game, he might very well continue, but when I crawl onto the couch looking for cuddles or attention, he would still wrap his arms around me hmhm.
I do love my beautiful master, my sweet little one. I love that he is so much bigger than me and can make me feel small. I love that my teasing doesn't usually rock him. I love that he balances out my emotions with logic. I love when I can truly provoke that sweet, gentle part of him and that very dominant part, when I feel like I'm touching the person inside. You know, I even love when my teasing upsets him and he lets me comfort him. I even love when he is way too logical and practical while I'm emotional and really need comfort, not advice. I even love when he has no idea how much the words I just said mean. I even love when he is too distracted by video games to talk much. Even when we are videoing or on the phone and he whines about going back to his game. And I even love when he misjudges my mood and starts ordering me around when all I need is a few sweet words. I love all the because it makes him human. And I don't want him to be anything but human. Because if he isn't human, it means I can't spend a life with him, it means I have no chance at having him all to myself. Hmm.
What I would give to just have him with me now. How long do you think it will be until we can meet real time? I don't want it to be a year but I don't know how to work that. Obviously he would have to come here. But I don't drive at the moment and live with my parents because of the horses. And the father is a tad protective... So I don't know how it would work. Suppose I'd have to get into town and have him pick me up from there. Or catch a couple of buses to get into the city. Tell my parents that I'm staying with a friend maybe? Hm. Don't know. We shall see. I would just really like him to come. I want nothing more than to sit beside him, be able to touch him.
Sucks. I still feel no different. All I want is my little one, my master. Daddy would help, but I need my little one. I don't think Daddy likes cuddles as much as my little one does. Daddy is very sexual... Don't get me wrong, I love him, but yeah. The two main things I always remember each of them is, for Daddy: Can you ever shut your legs to me? Of course my answer was no. And for my little one (after I'd complained about him never being very rough haha): You should always be in my lap, keeping your Master warm. If you weren't, I'd come find you, pull you by the hair until your nose touches the floor and beat your cute ass until you are ready to get in my lap and stay there. I know both are a bit rough haha, but both men are sweet as anything, don't resent them, they are rough because I ask them to be. They are so rough because they love me. You should see the initial messages with my little one.
Sorry, left for a little. I still don't feel any better. I actually feel a little worse because I got a email from my little one, would be about 2am for him, just saying sorry and then he had work today and then he was off to bed. But usually he tells me before he leaves. I am going to talk to him about that. I really need to stop feeling embarrassed about talking to him about things, he's the one who gets everything after all. He is that one who requests and gets. I shouldn't feel so embarrassed. It's silly. But I do need to talk to him. You see, I'm fine when he says he is going to work and we will talk later and then he is there later. I'm fine when he says he is going out with friends and won't be home until late so he can't talk until tomorrow. I'd be fine if he said he had a new game and wanted to play it. I just want to be told. It is him after all who has made me make time to serve him. Yes, I'm the one who serves, but he should make sacrifice too. Not that telling me is much of a sacrifice haha, but you know what I mean. I just want a little warning when I am not expected to be there and provide him pleasure. That's all. Not much honestly! Haha. I like to be loved and used and informed. Nothing more, nothing less. Used isn't even a sacrifice haha.
So yeah. He went through a slightly darker way of 'touching' for me, that I had to do. A reasonable amount of pain involved. Said he wanted his slut to crawl up onto his lap so he could bite and lick her sore nipples and rub her sensitive pussy (very owwys haha) and then I had no answer after my reply. I went to sleep like that and woke up rather down... Rather down and very needy for him, but I didn't have a reply. I tried sending him emails but to no avail. I wonder if this is a bit of sub drop? Anyone know what that feels like? I'll have to look around, but I've never really had a problem with it before... I mean, once after a hard session, I got quite down for a while, not too bad. This is much worse. I just don't feel good and I'm quite... Quiet today I suppose.
Just looked it up, dammit. Yeap. Looks like going through some version of sub drop. Who knew you could get it online? Ok. So. I need to avoid cutting. Oh shit. Um. Ok, ok haha, NOW I freak out, goodness me. It's just that I'm on a 17 day role of not cutting and I want to keep it. Ok, so. What about this: When my little one wakes up, I'll ask him to video, if he can't because he has work, he's going to have to suck it up and let me call. I feel like I need contact and apparently I should be having contact. That is the main thing. I don't know how to get to the time he wakes up though because he want to bed very late, so he'll wake up late and Daddy is out of town so he can't even distract me. Hm. Ok. I'm going to play Sims. No D/s posing haha, just a vanilla family. But first, I'm going to go lie down and relax for a moment or two. Those are the two things I'm going to do. Because I'm tired and I'm a little lonely. Apparently sub drop and BPD mix terribly. I don't know why I'm having problems with it now though. I mean, this is ONLINE, I did it to MYSELF. Hmm, I need to distance myself a little from him don't I? Ok, unless he convinces me he feels the same, I'm going to continue to pursue real time. I'm going to continue pleasing Daddy. If he convinces me he feels the same, I won't pursue real time. If he convinces me he feels the same and wants it to be real time and won't get with anyone else, I may even stop sharing so much with Daddy. But he has to be committed for that. Apparently being a BPD submissive is a bad mix haha. From the BPD, I get fear of rejection or abandonment and I get the sudden, high emotional intimacy when I develop a particular amount of trust. Then from being a submissive, I get the high intimacy relationships and the wish to please and be transparent as well as the fear of not pleasing. Tell me again why Dominants like me so much? If I were a Dominant and got to know me, I'd run the other way! But oh no! Daddy loves me, my little one will not give up on me. Right. See that? My little one will not give up on me. I need to remember that. He loves me. Daddy loves me. I'm Daddy's little girl and my little one wants me to wear his collar. Ok, ok. Shit. All that is going through my mind is 'he only wants you because you send photos' and 'he just likes being able to dominate you on video'. But that is not true. It's not. He loves me. Shit, I need to hear him say this. Ok. Just have to get through... five hours.... oh great. If anyone can offer help, I'd be really grateful. Once I can talk to him, I'm fine. It's just getting there.
I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. Promise me tonight, if you don't cut, then I won't. And if I don't cut, you won't cut. Kay?
Always remember, I love you.
RedTears
So yeah. All I want is to be with him. Even if I can only sit beside him, or across the room from him, I really don't care. Honestly, I'd even settle for the phone at the moment. Or a picture hmhm. Or nice video message even. I should convince him to send me a video one time! That's a really good idea! Haha. But it doesn't help me now! I want my little one. I want him to pull me over his knee, spank my ass until I beg him to stop and finally have him hold me against him while I cry. He doesn't need a shirt on hmhm, I'd happily be held against his perfect chest, burying my face into his skin as he wraps me up tighter and tighter. You know? Stuff the presents for Christmas this year, wrap me up and give me to him hmhm. Hmph. That's all I want. Something so simple that I can't have. He would give me a cuddle in a second, any time, and I want that, yet still I can't have it. How sucky. He loves video games, plays them a lot (too much haha, shh), the other day he had a knew game and I didn't hear from him. The next morning, he apologised, even though I told him several times that it was fine. And he said that if I were to walk into the room while he was playing a game, he might very well continue, but when I crawl onto the couch looking for cuddles or attention, he would still wrap his arms around me hmhm.
I do love my beautiful master, my sweet little one. I love that he is so much bigger than me and can make me feel small. I love that my teasing doesn't usually rock him. I love that he balances out my emotions with logic. I love when I can truly provoke that sweet, gentle part of him and that very dominant part, when I feel like I'm touching the person inside. You know, I even love when my teasing upsets him and he lets me comfort him. I even love when he is way too logical and practical while I'm emotional and really need comfort, not advice. I even love when he has no idea how much the words I just said mean. I even love when he is too distracted by video games to talk much. Even when we are videoing or on the phone and he whines about going back to his game. And I even love when he misjudges my mood and starts ordering me around when all I need is a few sweet words. I love all the because it makes him human. And I don't want him to be anything but human. Because if he isn't human, it means I can't spend a life with him, it means I have no chance at having him all to myself. Hmm.
What I would give to just have him with me now. How long do you think it will be until we can meet real time? I don't want it to be a year but I don't know how to work that. Obviously he would have to come here. But I don't drive at the moment and live with my parents because of the horses. And the father is a tad protective... So I don't know how it would work. Suppose I'd have to get into town and have him pick me up from there. Or catch a couple of buses to get into the city. Tell my parents that I'm staying with a friend maybe? Hm. Don't know. We shall see. I would just really like him to come. I want nothing more than to sit beside him, be able to touch him.
Sucks. I still feel no different. All I want is my little one, my master. Daddy would help, but I need my little one. I don't think Daddy likes cuddles as much as my little one does. Daddy is very sexual... Don't get me wrong, I love him, but yeah. The two main things I always remember each of them is, for Daddy: Can you ever shut your legs to me? Of course my answer was no. And for my little one (after I'd complained about him never being very rough haha): You should always be in my lap, keeping your Master warm. If you weren't, I'd come find you, pull you by the hair until your nose touches the floor and beat your cute ass until you are ready to get in my lap and stay there. I know both are a bit rough haha, but both men are sweet as anything, don't resent them, they are rough because I ask them to be. They are so rough because they love me. You should see the initial messages with my little one.
Sorry, left for a little. I still don't feel any better. I actually feel a little worse because I got a email from my little one, would be about 2am for him, just saying sorry and then he had work today and then he was off to bed. But usually he tells me before he leaves. I am going to talk to him about that. I really need to stop feeling embarrassed about talking to him about things, he's the one who gets everything after all. He is that one who requests and gets. I shouldn't feel so embarrassed. It's silly. But I do need to talk to him. You see, I'm fine when he says he is going to work and we will talk later and then he is there later. I'm fine when he says he is going out with friends and won't be home until late so he can't talk until tomorrow. I'd be fine if he said he had a new game and wanted to play it. I just want to be told. It is him after all who has made me make time to serve him. Yes, I'm the one who serves, but he should make sacrifice too. Not that telling me is much of a sacrifice haha, but you know what I mean. I just want a little warning when I am not expected to be there and provide him pleasure. That's all. Not much honestly! Haha. I like to be loved and used and informed. Nothing more, nothing less. Used isn't even a sacrifice haha.
So yeah. He went through a slightly darker way of 'touching' for me, that I had to do. A reasonable amount of pain involved. Said he wanted his slut to crawl up onto his lap so he could bite and lick her sore nipples and rub her sensitive pussy (very owwys haha) and then I had no answer after my reply. I went to sleep like that and woke up rather down... Rather down and very needy for him, but I didn't have a reply. I tried sending him emails but to no avail. I wonder if this is a bit of sub drop? Anyone know what that feels like? I'll have to look around, but I've never really had a problem with it before... I mean, once after a hard session, I got quite down for a while, not too bad. This is much worse. I just don't feel good and I'm quite... Quiet today I suppose.
Just looked it up, dammit. Yeap. Looks like going through some version of sub drop. Who knew you could get it online? Ok. So. I need to avoid cutting. Oh shit. Um. Ok, ok haha, NOW I freak out, goodness me. It's just that I'm on a 17 day role of not cutting and I want to keep it. Ok, so. What about this: When my little one wakes up, I'll ask him to video, if he can't because he has work, he's going to have to suck it up and let me call. I feel like I need contact and apparently I should be having contact. That is the main thing. I don't know how to get to the time he wakes up though because he want to bed very late, so he'll wake up late and Daddy is out of town so he can't even distract me. Hm. Ok. I'm going to play Sims. No D/s posing haha, just a vanilla family. But first, I'm going to go lie down and relax for a moment or two. Those are the two things I'm going to do. Because I'm tired and I'm a little lonely. Apparently sub drop and BPD mix terribly. I don't know why I'm having problems with it now though. I mean, this is ONLINE, I did it to MYSELF. Hmm, I need to distance myself a little from him don't I? Ok, unless he convinces me he feels the same, I'm going to continue to pursue real time. I'm going to continue pleasing Daddy. If he convinces me he feels the same, I won't pursue real time. If he convinces me he feels the same and wants it to be real time and won't get with anyone else, I may even stop sharing so much with Daddy. But he has to be committed for that. Apparently being a BPD submissive is a bad mix haha. From the BPD, I get fear of rejection or abandonment and I get the sudden, high emotional intimacy when I develop a particular amount of trust. Then from being a submissive, I get the high intimacy relationships and the wish to please and be transparent as well as the fear of not pleasing. Tell me again why Dominants like me so much? If I were a Dominant and got to know me, I'd run the other way! But oh no! Daddy loves me, my little one will not give up on me. Right. See that? My little one will not give up on me. I need to remember that. He loves me. Daddy loves me. I'm Daddy's little girl and my little one wants me to wear his collar. Ok, ok. Shit. All that is going through my mind is 'he only wants you because you send photos' and 'he just likes being able to dominate you on video'. But that is not true. It's not. He loves me. Shit, I need to hear him say this. Ok. Just have to get through... five hours.... oh great. If anyone can offer help, I'd be really grateful. Once I can talk to him, I'm fine. It's just getting there.
I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. Promise me tonight, if you don't cut, then I won't. And if I don't cut, you won't cut. Kay?
Always remember, I love you.
RedTears
