Hmph

Mood: Frustrated
Last Spoke To: My little one
Last Harmed: 27 days ago (20-11)

Hmmm. Ok, I am a little annoyed at my little one. When I was with Daddy, I told my little one it was basically a relationship that was started to end, right? His argument then became that, with him, it would be something that could go somewhere, that someday we might be together real time. I was sceptical but lover this and agreed. Then I said I thought Daddy might be falling for me a little, my little one said he had begun falling for me the moment he heard my voice. It took me aback at the time, for I was not truly falling for him yet. But he was positive he was falling for me. Well. 

Now he is quite sure we may not meet and that he loves me so very much but it is hard to fall in love over the net. But, he begs me to stay with him, he is constantly talking about what we could do together, he constantly brings up living together, not me. I bring up visiting but I don't tend to mention living together, that is him. And I'm perfectly happy to be nothing more than his fuck toy, I made that clear, but more often than not, he is VERY passionate. His restraining involves cuffing my arms around him and holding me tight. He actually breached on 'making love' instead of fucking the other day. I am sooooo confused. For one, I don't know what he wants and what I can hope for. For two, he is oh so sure he loves me completely in actions and but not in words. For three, he is sending incredibly difficult mixed messages. And for four, both of us agree to real time with anyone else but both of us (this he has quite admitted) would be incredibly jealous that another is putting their hands on mine and neither of us seem to be able to manage it. I have two chances but I'm simply not falling in love or even lust. I'm just mucking around. No matter how hard I try or don't try. I get along wonderfully with these people, I picked them out of a decent amount, speak often with them, cammed with both even played a little with both, and nothing. All I can think is how much I'd rather be doing it with mine, I'd rather be chatting with mine, playing with mine, being in his arms. I just feel bad I'm doing this with someone else even though I am perfectly allowed to. Because it is for very potential real time. If you can't tell, I did ask my little one about it today. He went quite serious again, he said, as spoken about, it was fine, but he didn't want to know about it because he would be quite jealous. He doesn't want to think about another man's hands all over his girl. And the thought of another girl touching him makes me want to curl up on his lap and cry. Oh dear. Oh dear! I am falling in love with him! Really. I don't cry in front of people. I don't even want to cry with Daddy. The only person I cry with is my father because of how close we are. And to still think he would take me after being with another girl... Ohh just great. Because I so need to fall in love with a guy who does and doesn't want to try spending a life with me. Trust me. How ridiculous. Hmph. What do you think he would say if I told him I had fallen in love. I basically never use the f word away from the sex context, but if I did, it would fit perfectly here. I don't think he would be incredibly impressed. Sometimes I think the responsibility scares him as is. Only sometimes though, other times he seems to thrive in it. Sometimes he seems to love the power he possesses over me and other times, runs from it. Though he is growing much more comfortable. He discovered the lifestyle only 2 months before we got together. Had one serious but stubborn and disobedient submissive before our first try, one who didn't know what she was doing between our first and second try and then, ever since our second try, he has had me. I would not count myself as an easy submissive at all. So I kind of feel sorry for him! Yet no matter how difficult I get, he still begged for me to stay with him, endures difficulties to be sure I am happy and continue being his and has even stayed up very late to ensure I am happy. He bought a kinect pretty much for me. So he could talk to me. Speaking of which, I need to talk to him about that. I bought a three month Live membership when he got that so we could talk and video. I need to check that one, he still wants me and two, he still wants to video. Spending my money will make him think twice and again still. 

Hm. Actually. I was just thinking, a picture had me doing it haha. If I were to agree to a second girl, I would be forced to distance myself a little and have him distance himself a little. It may wreck the relationship for me, it is quite possible, but keeping it this way may hurt me very much. I believe he would agree to another girl, he quite still wanted another last time I asked, and another would work to distance us. I should probably tell him that is my aim. It would be unfair to do that if he expects me to be just as open. I wonder if he might agree to it or disagree. Perhaps he thinks he has not enough time now? Or does not want me to close up any? I would be betting against the latter! Haha, he does not strike me currently as worrying about that. But then, he may surprise me. It is ever difficult to decide how he feels about me.  I suppose I shall see. I will suggest it any hoo. I will tell him why and I will simply see what he says. Perhaps I will send him a present today to make sure he don't get grumpy! Haha. I want to get it over with now haha. I love ever deeply, that is why I am so careful. My emotions run deeper than my blood, than my bone. When my love is broken, it shatters and it hurts, a great deal. So yeah. I don't know yet how far I have fallen but we shall see, won't we. Anyone know how to forget that the one thing I want most of all right now is to cuddle up in his arms. Well guess what, I'm going to go write a story as my present for him haha, I think that is counter productive. Oh well. Stuff productivity. I'm just going to be awesome. 

Remember, I love you.
RedTears